Inside the diary of one person’s struggle during lockdown

Anonymous guest post

Saturday 23 May 2020

I feel better just for writing the date. 

For days now my head has been racing, but purely during the day. I seem to be going to sleep okay. Last night I did a relaxing my body exercise before I went to sleep.

I’ve been on furlough now for almost 7 weeks. Although I’ve been doing PE With Joe on weekdays I haven’t had much routine and I need routine. I’ve started checking my teeth almost every time I pass a mirror. I think that’s so I have a routine. Nothing looks or feels different but my anxiety has convinced me there is.

I’ve tried to create some routine but it’s really hard. With little to do each day it’s hard to make a routine. My migraines are also really bad again as my Botox has been delayed due to Coronavirus. It’s ruined everything. 

I felt fine for weeks but things are really starting to get to me. My 4.30am wake ups are back and that bothers me.

I just want to cry all the time at the moment, but there’s nothing to cry about. Except how frustrated I am in my head.

I need routine and people to talk to. My friends are great, as is my Mum, but they must be bored of me now.

My partner keeps giving me hugs. I think he knows I’m not quite right. But I’ve said how much I’ve enjoyed being off work. And I have. But no routine and not having my work friends to talk to all day is hard. My partner is upstairs working all day. I’m glad he is because he wouldn’t cope with that routine and being stuck indoors. 

I’ve just taken the most wonderful stress releasing breath. I feel like I’ve been holding that in for two weeks. I always feel better for writing. I’ve been trying to convince myself to write for two weeks. I keep saying ‘no. I’ll feel better later or tomorrow.’ When really all I need is to be able to rattle out everything that’s in my head. Nonsense, worry, concerns. Anything that’s making my heart race and my stomach flip.

Life is really heard at the moment. Hopefully life will never be like this again and there will be some sense of normality soon. Whether life will ever be the normal as it was is up for debate. But I long for a hug from my mum, my dad and brother. I want to have my tea breaks at work with my friends. I want to show my manager photos and videos of dogs again. Being home all the time was fun at first, now it’s lonely and we need more then one person in our lives.

Life is hard right now. It’s so different to anything anyone alive has ever lived through. But hopefully soon, things will start to get brighter.

One day soon.