Why it’s hard to admit to suicidal thoughts

Warning this post contains a discussion about suicide which some readers may find distressing. Please don’t read this article if you think it may trigger you.

So you’ve thought about ending your life. When life has worn you down so much you can’t see the wood from the trees, suicide seems like the only option. But who do you tell?

Well in my case, I never told anyone for months. I found it impossible to tell the people that love me that I didn’t want exist anymore. Thoughts such as, “what will they say? Will they judge me? How will I cope with their judgement?” Swirled through my mind like a hurricane of dread.

The moment I told my mum I wanted to die, I watched her heart break in front of me.

I often lay awake at night wondering who would care. I thought about the people that would attend my funeral, and among them people I thought about who would actually shed a tear. What would they say about me? Would they think I was selfish for taking my own life?

The moment I told my mum I wanted to die, I watched her heart break in front of me. This woman brought me into the world, she carried me in her womb for nine months, she bathed and fed me as a child, she gave me a loving family and made sure I was loved. She taught me right from wrong. She celebrated with me when I received good news, and cried with me when I was sad. But yet none of this stopped the way I was feeling.

I only said it to her once because it made me more distressed to see how upset she was. These initially were thoughts in my head, I never said them aloud. The severity of my thoughts were only made clear to me when I saw how it affected the one people close to me.

It’s hard to admit to these thoughts because you know it’s not logical to think this way, but the thought encompasses you, and makes you think that this is the easy way out. You feel like all of the hurt you are carrying around with you could be over, but you know it’s an impossible thing to do.

The biggest fear you have is judgement. You don’t want to be judged so you put up and shut-up. But you don’t have to feel this way.

If you are feeling this way tell someone, anyone.

In my darkest days when I wanted to die I would find myself wishing I had a physical illness, so I had a reason for feeling so down. I remember telling my therapist that I’d like to save other people’s lives by taking my own. I wanted to donate my organs to people that needed new organs to survive. I found it selfish that I was healthy but I wanted to die when there is people out there close to death who wanted to live.

I know now that these thoughts were WRONG. I was ill in my own right. I didn’t really want to die, I was just too afraid to live. I was not being selfish by living my life.

The reason I am sharing this with you, is because talking saves lives. If this post could help you know you’re not alone in feeling the same way I have, then it will have been worthwhile.

If you are feeling this way tell someone, anyone. It doesn’t have to be a friend or family member, you could tell a health professional. Sometimes it’s easier to tell someone who has no connection to you because they aren’t emotionally invested. As soon as I let go of caring about judgement and told somebody, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that’s when my recovery began.

I have a helplines section which you can find here.

I promise you, you are not alone. I recovered from being suicidal and so can you. Take care, stay safe, and accept help.