The reality of living with an eating disorder

Hi, I’m Tinka from Tinkablee blog and I’ve been battling with an eating disorder for over 10 years now. It wasn’t something that I really noticed, and it wasn’t something I saw as a problem. And it’s not something I ever saw myself talking openly about either.

I spent my days feeling sick, drained, unmotivated, depressed, anxious and not at all like myself.

I’ve always considered myself having a healthy relationship with food or at least I have never had a problem with food. I liked eating and ate whenever I wanted to.

Around the age 13-14 my eating habits changed, I went from eating every meal every day to barely getting through one, I went from snacking to drinking tea a lot and from enjoying my food to not even being able to look at it.

I went years barely keeping my body up on little nibbles of food here and there. My family would try and get me to eat smaller portions, smaller pizza’s (I really like pizza) but I would only ever end up being able to eat the cheese before feeling full.

I spent my days feeling sick, drained, unmotivated, depressed, anxious and not at all like myself. I stopped talking to my friends and started to distance myself from everyone, although I had a few that stuck by side, even if they did bounce in and out of my life during those confusing times.

I figured if I could still keep myself standing, walking and talking like everyone else it’d be enough to convince them I was fine

At the time I hadn’t noticed any these things really happening to me, I didn’t get bad all at once, it happened slowly and over time.

My family would tell me when they noticed I had lost weight, they would try and get me to eat more or more often. I knew they were always watching me, worrying about me but I never paid it any notice, shrugging their worries away as nothing. I felt fine, there was nothing wrong.

I figured if I could still keep myself standing, walking and talking like everyone else it’d be enough to convince them I was fine, because it was enough to convince me at the time.

As time went on, I bounced with my weight, from being really underweight to looking like maybe I was getting back on track with it. At the age of 16 I got into a relationship with a boy from school and over time he too noticed something wasn’t quite right with my eating habits. The longer together we were the more he noticed and the more it made him worried, but I’d tell him what I told my family: “I’m fine”.

I started to resent the concern of other people.

2017 was when I realised, I needed help. I had already had my friends and family, my boyfriend and even his family express their concern for my health. I had been through countless arguments with my boyfriend over my weight, over my eating habits and it had started growing a wedge between us. But I was still being stubborn, refusing to believe their words. Assuming everyone was focusing a little too much attention on me and not enough on themselves, it made their concern for me seem overbearing and more like a scolding rather than actual concern and I started to resent the concern of other people.

It wasn’t until after I had been hit with a virus that had me bedridden for a month that I saw just how much I needed help. I realised the real thing that I was preventing myself from seeing the truth, and I had convinced myself if I still had a bum, if my thighs were still big then I had weight on me.

I didn’t have an issue, regardless of the fact at the age of 13 to 20 I was still fitting into my now 13-year-old sister’s clothes, a sister who too is small in build and a skinny mini like I was at her age. It didn’t matter that I could see my rib cage or even all my bones on my upper body, it matters that the little boobs I did have had disappeared, being so flat chest my whole life I didn’t even notice when they went. It didn’t matter that my face was drawn in, that I never had the energy I should, or the fact I spent every single morning for over 4 years throwing up nothing but stomach acid and boil because I never had anything in me to throw up.

After crying, stressing and self-loathing I finally made my way to the doctors for help.

So, when I was finally better to move around on my own and I saw myself in the mirror… I got one hell of a shock. The bum and thighs I had that was the only thing keeping my mind from seeing what everyone else was already seeing were gone. Just like that gone. I was as close to a ruler you could get.

After crying, stressing and self-loathing I finally made my way to the doctors for help. We’re just hitting the second year since I realised I had a problem and the doctors still do not have an answer to give me for my eating disorder.

I am currently attending an eating disorder faculty that I’m hoping will be able to help me but for now I have been working on putting the weigh on myself and this year I received my first bit of good news. Instead of losing my weight, putting just a little bit on or staying the same weight for months I have actually gained a stone for the first time since I was a young teenager!

Eating disorders are hard, especially when you think there are only two types. Since then I have done a lot of research on eating disorders and I’m shocked by all the different types that people suffer with and shocked by the lack of knowledge people have of this!

Today I will be posting a detailed experience of how I felt as well as advice, services that can help, and ways to help yourself.

Thank you for reading a little about my story and I hope this brings to light that no one is alone and to maybe acknowledge the worried stares and concerned conversations brought on by your loved ones as they do just want to see you healthy and happy.

If you’d like to read more people’s eating disorder experiences this is:

Adele’s story.

Arabella’s story.

Marissa’s story.

 

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